Handling Child Custody Successfully

Although child custody often degenerates into warfare, it doesn’t have to. And although support often becomes a four letter word, it doesn’t have to either  Let’s take a look at how you can deal with child custody and child support to avoid huge arguments, and how you can end those arguments if they are unavoidable.  As we’ve explained elsewhere, you can’t resolve child support until you’ve resolved custody, so we’ll take custody first.

Once they start, virtually all divorce cases end with divorce rather than reconciliation.  Even though one party may prefer reconciliation, realistically it’s not going to happen.  We think it is extremely important for you to accept this.  Trying to punish your soon to be ex-spouse or wallowing in despair will stand in the way of what should be your ultimate goal - starting your new life successfully.  We will do our best to help you understand this and act on it.

Now look at the kids.  They are starting new lives too.  If you can’t get yours up and running without losing your temper and falling apart, how are they going to handle their own challenges?  And then there’s the law and the judge.  In this area, neither of them cares about you.  Instead they care about the kids.  The law says that children’s issues must be decided in the best interests of the child, not yours.  That’s what judges try to do, despite the possibility that their decisions disappoint or upset you.  We will do our best to help you cope with this.

What if your soon to be ex-spouse is not getting the same advice or is refusing to take it?  “Don’t feed the fire” is the first rule here.  Some people are chronically late, so you already know they’ll be late picking up the kids or bringing them back.  They’re not going to change, so don’t harp on it. You already know they’re not going to discipline the kids the way you would.  Don’t expect that to change either, and when it doesn’t, don’t go bananas.  Going bananas does not help the kids.  It hurts them.  It doesn’t do you any good either. There are strategies for dealing with these problems, and we will help you make them work

Then there’s the boyfriend or girlfriend.  You don’t have any legal right to dictate or interfere -
you’ve separated and you’re getting divorced.  Jealousy and anger may be natural, but now they’re totally out of place.  And you’re not going to lose the kids as long as you don’t drive them away or abandon them.  Remember, you’re stuck with your ex until the kids are 18.  We can help you devise ways to deal with this new fact of life.

How about more serious problems, like violence or drugs?  Staying calm is still a good place to start.  The judge has tools to deal with these.  We know what they are, and we know how to convince the judge to use them. Supervised visitation may be appropriate in some instances, but it must be handled carefully.  The object is protecting your child and improving the parenting capabilities of the supervised parent, not grinding him or her into dust.

San Diego Divorce Attorney Stanley D. Prowse is a California Certified Family Law Specialist. We welcome your legal inquiries.